groveling naked, unashamed.

January 24, 2010

the most insidious part of poverty is the insecurity and self loathing that will invariably come along with it.  this is hard to explain to those who have not felt it, but its not a pity party or one feeling sorry for themselves, at least not initially, rather it is the culmination of nasty and sidelong glances,  shop keeper sticking their noses in the air at your presence, children viewing you as the culmination of a life time of poor decisions.  The feeling of isolation and total destruction is paralyzing. You view the world not as a society, but as a den of savages, where only the most vicious can rise to the top. Millions of people who have labeled themselves millions of unremarkable names, and hardly and Empathy, Compassion, or even Apathy amongst them.  I would love it for people to be truly apathetic, but alas.  And after days, months or years of these sidelong glances and nervous shifting and terrified eyes, these things manifest themselves in the damned without him even being aware of the changes himself.  Suddenly, a once friendly transient finds himself alone in a world that has consistently seeked to destroy his method of existence, to destroy him. He feels this, and he knows this. There is nothing to love, love was kicked to the curb a lifetime ago, an evolutions oddity, an emotion whose end point in self destruction.  Instead he finds solace in substance, and who is to blame him? Love is an emotion brought about by molecules so whats the harm of feeling the same and not having the terrible retribution of the Gods afterwards.  And after enough of this man will be consumed by The Fear, a horrible brew of self loathing, loathing, bottled anger, bottles and a genuine fanatical fear of all things.

I write all of that just to pose the question of what the fuck is wrong with all these seemingly marvelous creatures that makes them so fucking nasty.

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